Twenty Two Years

Twenty two years I have lived.

I have grown. 

Have felt. 

Twenty two years I have not found love, 

I have not received love,

Have not made love.

Twenty two years my heart has waited.

My heart has ached.

Has yearned.

Twenty two years of being polite.

Of being supportive.

Being patient.

Twenty two years of suppressed words.

Of suppressed feelings.

Suppressed desires.

Twenty two years without your eyes on mine.

Without your hands on mine.

Your lips on mine.

What will the next twenty two bring?

(b.m.)

Which?

Which is worse?

Never to have loved,

or

Never to have b

                              e

                                   e

                                                     n loved?

Which is worse?

A hollow heart,

or

A f

       o

         r

             s 

               a

                  k

                     e

                                      n heart?

(b.m.)

Reflected

I stumbled upon this empty shell,

as I walked along the river.

Maybe it was the decaying smell,

that made my body shiver.

Something about it drew me near,

as I ventured beyond the trail.

Maybe it was the feeling of drear,

that made my skin go pale. 

Most beguiling was this ivory stone,

as my eyes became transfixed.

Maybe it was the stark white bone,

that made me so affixed.

I soon realized the connection,

as my chest welled up inside.

Maybe it's my own reflection,

that this empty shell implied.

-b.m.

Apart

I like to think of the moon

as a friend of mine,

when I'm lonely at night.

Even he's gone too soon

'cause of sunshine,

and her blinding light.

-b.m.

Tongue Tied

All of the words I wanted to say

but didn't

dripped off my tongue 

like vodka 

with no chaser.

A bitter aftertaste.

A gateway to regret.

-b.m.

Drowning

I am floating in an endless sea,

Struggling to stay afloat,

Salt water filling my throat—

Oh god, how I wish to be free. 

The darkness soon consumes me,

Leaving emptiness in its wake,

A sadness I can't seem to shake—

Someone turn on the lights, I plea. 

It feels as though I've lost control,

Some may call it depressed,

This aching pain in my chest—

 Darkness is starting to take its toll. 

Sunny days are no longer my friend,

I converse with the thunder,

Rain eases me to slumber—

When will all of this bitterness end? 

How long this will last, I cannot say,

Only time can surely tell,

To break this awful spell—

An end to my drowning, I pray. 

-b.m.

Caress of Sleep

It's barely dawn as I begin to wake,
Caressed by the light of morn.
Outside sparrows claim their stake,
To return to slumber? I'm torn.

Sleep calls my name, a whisper at most,
her gentle touch tugs at my eyes.
Enveloping me, holding me close,
What wonderful dreams there lies.

The promise of morning fades away,
I leave the sparrows to their song.
The beckoning of sleep outweighs,
To her familiar warmth I belong.

-b.m.

Contrast

Hello My Lovely Moths.

It is a crisp fall night out and the breeze coming in from my open window onto my hot skin from my heated blanket is blissful. Late at night when the world is asleep and the air is still, I have my window wide open just listening to the gentle rustle of the wind kissing the tree's leaves, and the calm of it all is so radiant I could almost hear the stars singing to me. In that moment, nothing else in my life matters. There is no today nor tomorrow, there is only the present and I have absolutely no worries. It's almost so freeing that I forget everything that has ever caused me strife and the tiresome weight I've been trudging has been lifted off of my shoulders. But as much as I want to pause that safe moment and live in it forever, at some point my eye lids start to droop and I am caressed by sleep....

A n y w a y, 

Where was I going with this post tonight...? Ahh yes I remember. Tonight I want to talk about the idea of the balance between life and death, good and bad, light and dark, etc. A little background:

The other day I was riding the university bus to a class and feeling absolutely dreadful of how things have been going in my life with school, relationships, personal accomplishments, etc. Lately it has felt as though the shadows have been puppeteering my strings, drawing me into its darkness like a predator and its prey. As I was feeling all of this, lost in the music that was drowning out the world around me and staring blankly out of the window, I saw two pigeons fly off of the roof of a building: one was pure white while the other was strikingly dark. I know I know, you were seeing things, that sounds like something out of a movie, but I swear to you I saw it clear as day. A bird as white as fresh snow flying alongside another bird so much darker that it seemed as though it were the white bird's shadow. The moment was fleeting as the birds flew off past another building, and I looked around as if to see if anyone else had just seen what I had. Nobody seemed to be as astonished and jaw-droppingly mind blown as I was, and the passengers around me were either lost in whatever it was lighting up their phone screens, or desperately trying to secure their spot on the nightmaringly overcrowded Rutgers bus. It was the most striking thing I had ever seen, and my poetic mind immediately jumped to the conclusions that only I was meant to see those birds and that they were flying, feathered signs from someone up there answering my worries and doubts.

Bri, they were two random birds that happened to fly by while you were riding the bus. That hardly seems like a sign from God.

I can see how that observation would be more realistic, but I don't believe in coincidences. As I hinted to in the beginning, the idea of a  "balance" between light and dark, yadda yadda, was sparked by these two birds. You see, without one, we would not be able to appreciate the other. For instance, take the notion of life and death. If we did not experience death (say that we lived forever), then there would be no drive to live life to the fullest because we will have eternity to do the things we want to do. Like a project with no deadline--it would never be finished. On the flip side, there has to be and end to life for there to be the idea of death, without which we would not be able to appreciate the beauty of. Like a solution with no problem to give meaning to it. Seeing the white pigeon would not have been as significant without the presence of the darker one beside it to emphasize the contrast. In life, no matter how much turmoil you go through, no matter how much pain and suffering, you wouldn't be able to feel how truly effortless life is without it. Like that feeling when you have a stuffy nose and looking back at how much you take for granted the times when you could breath with your mouth closed and not have to blow your nose every five minutes sounding like a train horn... Ahh, the simple things in life. 

So yes, I think that the two birds were a sign to remember that with the storm will come the calm after. I was so humbled to be given this intimate message. As if I was chosen to see this because I would be able to appreciate its significance the most. Given to me so that I may relay it to others. I promise, no, I pinky promise--*gasp* that's the most powerful promise there is, that's how confident I am in this--that you're no exception to that rule. That as hopeless as the world may seem around you, it will get better. The beauty of it all is that you will come out of it so much stronger, and realize that because life threw you that curveball, you can learn how to not strike out the next time around (talk about a home-run, am I right?!).

Okay, is it just me or am I on fire with the analogies tonight??
.
.
.
Accept all that comes with life, moths. xoxo

     

Priority

For once I want to be someone's first choice:

The first person they tell when they have good news.

The first person they call when they have the blues. 

The first person they yearn for when their mind wakes.

The first person they think of when their heart aches.

The first person they trust with all of their secrets.

The first person they text when hopelessly sleepless. 

The first person they say they love when asked.

The first person they truly feel could be the last.

The first.

-b.m.

Pity

I almost feel sorry for 

little boys that feel like 

they need alcohol to 

get the courage just to 

text me at 3am. 

Honey, you could be 

drunk off of our 

love at 3am.

And he chose the bottle... 

Pity.

-b.m.

Fleeting

I wish I could freeze a moment in time. Bottle up its essence. Revisit it at times when I feel life is too much to handle. When life seems like a never ending storm cloud. That moment, bottled up, would be like the sunshine peaking through. A reminder that even on the darkest of days, there is still light hidden underneath, waiting patiently to illuminate the sky.

But life is not all sunshine and rainbows.

These moments are so fleeting. So temporary. Once they're gone, we can't get them back. We can take pictures or videos, sure. They will live on as memories that we can look back on. But we will never be able to truly relive that utter happiness we had in our hearts that day, or the gut-wrenching laughter that poured out of us so effortlessly and uncontrollably as if nothing else in the world mattered. People change. Life moves on. That's the way it is. And once we're at the end of the road, greeting death as a forgotten friend we've been meaning to catch up with, we'll reflect on those moments we held onto so dearly. How precious they were. How fleeting the were.

How fucking fleeting they are.

-b.m.

Deep Down

It feels as though I'm deep under water, swimming to the surface, but

never

truly

reaching

the

air

.

.

.

that's what depression feels like

-b.m.

Know Your Worth

He compares your beauty to the stars because he sees you as
one among millions.

You aren't a single star in space my dear,

You are the 

whole 

damn 

galaxy

And he hasn't even been to the moon.

-b.m.

Ghosted

you had become a ghost,

a distant memory, slightly faded,

the words written in my journal.

i remember the night i told you goodbye.

when i yelled and screamed,

and promised that was the end of it. 

the nights that followed were cold.

too empty in the darkness, too alone,

the silence echoed. the tears whispered.

i learned to hear your name without crying. 

learned to smile at other men again.

 no longer searching for your face in theirs.

then i ran into you on the street one day and 

everything came pouring back. i hid it quite well 

behind the smile i had practiced. 

your smile. that smile that shook the ground

i stood on. the smile that i fell in love with. 

the one i tried so hard to forget.

i'd never felt love like what i had with you.

 it was indescribable. my heart ached from 

how hard it beat for you every day. 

i was a forest and you were a god damn match. 

carved from the same tree but you burned like hell 

and i was flammable.

you were ignited by our love. i was struck by 

the beauty and danger and raw power of your flame. 

until one day it burned out. 

and all that was left were ashes. dust left over from a 

wildfire. beneath, the embers still glowed with 

an unwavering passion.

i almost lost it. i almost broke like that god awful day. 

all of the pieces i glued back together, 

threatening to fall apart. 

but i didn't. we talked. mindless chit chat about

 how we've been. formalities. and then we parted. 

yet another goodbye.

i was left standing there in the street. processing. 

was he as broken as i was before? 

was he glued together like me?

i like to think so. that's the thing about love. 

it's excruciating. when you have it and after it's gone.

 a blessing and a curse. 

but it stays with us until we die. 

a score made on our hearts like tattoos of the past. 

they fade but never truly go away. 

we might have gone our separate ways, 

but we'll always have that. the love we shared. 

the kind they write books after. 

so once again you're a ghost,

a distant memory, slightly faded,

the words written in this poem.

always there, forever. 

-b.m.

Speechless

Oh the frustration of

not finding the

right words.

It eats away at me,

like vultures on 

the dead.

-b.m.

State of Mind

Hi Lovely Moths.

Another restless night here (three a.m., to be precise) and restless nights merit new blog posts so I guess there are ups and downs to it? Either way, here I am...writing. And hopefully there you are....reading.

Shall we?

Do you ever have one of those days where everything seems to be going wrong? Like the WHOLE universe is plotting against you? Almost as if you're the character of a video game that some sadistic teenage boy is making jump off of a cliff over and over again? Maybe that last part is a little dramatic, but you get what I'm saying.

Well, today felt like one of those days. Things just didn't seem to be in my favor. A cocktail of college lectures, minimal sleep at night, and a crippling bout of anxiety does not a happy moth make. In fact, two of those things are part of why I'm writing right now, while the other is not going to be very enjoyable when I have to get up for it in about five hours......

What do I want to get across to you with all of this? Three magic words: state. of. mind. What do I mean by that? We have a lot more control over our lives than we think. Have you ever heard the expression, "like attracts like" ? If you live in a negative state of mind, you will attract and open a gateway for negatively perceived situations. For example, have you ever said something along the lines of "this is so typical of my life" or "these things always happen to me"? Be honest (I promise I won't tell anyone!) By saying these things, we are inviting the idea that what happens to us is out of our control, and that they will continue to happen to us whether we like it or not.

BUT.....it doesn't have to be that way! *gasp*

Do tell oh wise moth!

It is very simple: think positive thoughts. I know that sounds like the most cliche therapy mantra you've ever heard, but I'm serious. Peter Pan was onto something when he told Wendy and her brothers to "think happy thoughts" so that they could fly. Your positive thoughts might not lift you into the air physically, but emotionally it could take you all the way to the stars. By changing the chemistry in your brain and training it to adapt to positive thinking, you'll start to encounter situations with a better attitude rather than accepting their possible downsides.

Example: 

(so you know what the heck I'm talking about)

Say you just missed the bus and you now have to walk to where it is you want to go (granted it's not impossibly far away and you're not in a complete rush) or you have to wait for another bus.

Negative thinking: figures I would miss the bus, why am I never on time for things, this is just my luck, now it's going to take me forever to get there, there will never be a time that I don't miss the bus, I'm too tired to walk, this sucks.....

Did you read any of these in your head in a sullen voice or emphasis on words like fooor-eh-ver (reference to Sandlot anyone?)? These are what are known as "self-destructive" thoughts. Words like never or figures or sucks are often key words to negative thinking. There is an overall sense of self-blame and pessimism with this thinking.   

Positive thinking: I'll catch the next one, a little walking and fresh air might be good for me, now I'll have more time to listen to my music, it happens to the best of us.

Could you feel the difference in those ones? Rather than blaming yourself for missing the bus, these thoughts acknowledging that it happened but making light of it rather than treating it as a punishment from the universe.
.
.
.
.
So moths, my challenge to you is to start off small in the direction of positive thinking. Try to train yourself to catch when you think negatively, acknowledge the situation you are in, and think of something positive that could come out of it. The more often you do this, the more likely you'll be to think that positive thought and nix the negatives entirely. I'll start: at the beginning of this post, I thought "there's no point in writing this, nobody is going to read it, I shouldn't even be up this late." After acknowledging those negative thoughts, I can flip them to be positive; everything I write may not be read by others, but I write them for me, if I weren't up this late then I wouldn't have these creative juices flowing!

Think on the bright side, moths. xoxo

Fragile

A storm rages, growing in force,

the winds a haunting moan.

Mother nature the very source,

her tortured woes unknown.

The sky darkens, trees sway,

birds no longer singing.

No further shall the storm delay,

to unleash the hell it's bringing.

A similar storm wages on,

consuming my ethereal light.

My spirit's like a fragile fawn,

paralyzed by crippling fright.

Don't fret, for the light is strong,

keeping the dark at bay.

Only time will tell how long,

for that, I can only pray.

-b.m.

Playground Behavior

Tired of the game these boys always play.

Say they want your heart,

But their actions don't say the same.

Texting at two a.m.,

Acting like boys and not men.

Tell you they'll give you the world, 

When their parents are still paying rent. 

Ask you to show some skin, 

But don't care what's within. 

Asking them questions about their life

(Because you genuinely care)

But they dodge anything personal and say,

"Baby I love your hair."

Why should I show you what's under my shirt,

Or beneath my skirt?

Because you're a flirt?

I've seen this movie before.

I know I'll get hurt.

Like I said, I'm tired of these games.

No more late night texts 

Or app with the flames.

Maybe one day you'll grow up 

And act like a man,

But until then,

It's just you and your hand.

-b.m.

Blurred Lines

Andrew Salgado

Intimate

the second his skin came
in contact with mine,
every particle of my being
danced with excitement,
as if awoken from a deep slumber.

the way his strong hands molded to
the curvatures of my face,
their warmth seeping through my skin
to the deepest parts of me.

his lips crashed against mine like waves
to the shore, and i could taste a hint
of desperation on his tongue, like a bear
discovering honey for the first time.

his long fingers delicately removed my
clothes. he had a gracefulness to the way
he pulled down every zipper, undid every
button. my insecurities peeled away with
every layer.

his eyes roamed every inch of my naked
body, like a blind man seeing everything
clearly for the first time. i had never felt so
vulnerable, yet unashamed in my life.

his soft, delicious lips explored me from
head to toe, as a scientist to a new world.
his tongue traced the outlines of my body
like the contours of a mountain or the
bending of a river.

our bodies entwined with one another,
unclear of where one started, and the
other ended. there was no him and i.
there was only us. 

i felt it all then. all of his emotions, and
dreams, and fears. as if they were a
reflection of my own. he had given himself
completely to me,

and i did the same.

-the moment i fell in love


b.m.