Shadowed Identity

How did I get here, 

in this place so void of hope and joy? 

What once was light is now dark 

and all I can see is pain as stark as the stars 

in the night's sky. 

The fatigue plaguing my bones is what this illness does, 

making everything feel like this hazy fuzz and

I'm nothing but a shadow of what I once

was.

The magic blue pills that my doctor prescribed 

are supposed to help with this pain I've described

but it's hard to fix what's buried so very deep 

inside.

So please, try to understand that when you tell me

"it's all in your head" as if that's the answer to 

all of this dread, that I want nothing more

than to be dead because I would be rich if I got a

penny for every time I have ever heard that said.

(b.m.)

Riptide

It's something o'clock in the morning on

someday of the week. The softest light is 

peeking through the window, having just started to

stretch its rays and touch the earth.

The birds haven't quite woken from their slumbers just yet,

apart from a few lazily singing out their morning tune,

sounding as if they're saying "just five more minutes."

The only other sound is the rhythmic breathing of

someone in a deliciously peaceful sleep lying next to me,

buried in a sea of my soft white comforter.

The light has now started to stretch its fingers across the bed,

tenderly caressing her face and illuminating a

treasure trove of beauty. No sunrise in the world could

convince me of a more breathtaking view than 

the one here in my bed. 

Laying on my side so we're face-to-face,

I reach my hand out to gently touch her cheek,

enamored by the soft rosy hue and 

carefully arranged freckles.

Then, with a deep, life-giving breath in through her nose,

the most heavenly smile appeared beneath my fingers.

First one, then two, sleepy eyelids slowly lifted

to reveal oceans of blue whose rip currents

pulled me in with the promise of never longing for land

again.

And I surrendered to it. Completely.

(b.m.)

Series: Ticking Clock

#1

tick
tick

Mind racing.
Feet pacing.

    tick
    tick

Hands shaking.
Heart aching.

tick
tick

Sleep delaying.
Thoughts decaying.

    tick
    tick

Mouth pleading.
Skin bleeding.

tick


tick




tick.

(b.m.)


#2

I got a splinter in my hand yesterday,
Still, the clock ticked.
Things didn't go as planned yesterday,
Still, the clock ticked.

I forgot to take my meds today,
Still, the clock ticks.
The loneliness spreads today,
Still, the clock ticks.

I'll breathe my last breath someday,
Still, the clock will tick.
We'll all meet with death someday,
Still, the clock will tick.

and tick. and tick.

(b.m.)


#3

The clock ticks 86,400 times per day.
It's been two years since you left without saying
goodbye,
and not one tick has brought me closer to feeling
whole again.

(b.m.)

Twenty Two Years

Twenty two years I have lived.

I have grown. 

Have felt. 

Twenty two years I have not found love, 

I have not received love,

Have not made love.

Twenty two years my heart has waited.

My heart has ached.

Has yearned.

Twenty two years of being polite.

Of being supportive.

Being patient.

Twenty two years of suppressed words.

Of suppressed feelings.

Suppressed desires.

Twenty two years without your eyes on mine.

Without your hands on mine.

Your lips on mine.

What will the next twenty two bring?

(b.m.)

Within

When we were little, 

we feared the monsters
hiding beneath our beds, 

keeping our feet tucked in
so they couldn't drag us under.

Now, 

it's not the monsters
under the bed we fear 

when staring into the
darkness...

It's the ones inside of us.

.

.

.

How do we protect ourselves
from them?

(b.m.)

Which?

Which is worse?

Never to have loved,

or

Never to have b

                              e

                                   e

                                                     n loved?

Which is worse?

A hollow heart,

or

A f

       o

         r

             s 

               a

                  k

                     e

                                      n heart?

(b.m.)

Invasion

A killer is on the loose,
Within the world today.
It lurks along the streets,
Crippling those it meets...
Traveling by gateway.

Descending upon the innocent,
It seizes all control.
Weakened is their might,
Taken is their sight...
Victim to a blackhole.

To some there is no escape,
For darkness is relentless.
Imprisoned, they are caught,
Too weakened to have fought...
The users are defenseless.

It takes on many identities,
Along this quest to conquer.
Whether powder, liquid, or pill,
It assumes the facade of a thrill...
Beneath hides a true monster.

Devoid of any prejudice,
It preys on everyone.
Mothers, daughters,
Brothers, fathers...
A plague you can't outrun.

There must be some hope,
For this slaughter to cease.
A path towards the light,
Salvation within sight...
One day there'll be peace.

One day.

(b.m.)

Reflected

I stumbled upon this empty shell,

as I walked along the river.

Maybe it was the decaying smell,

that made my body shiver.

Something about it drew me near,

as I ventured beyond the trail.

Maybe it was the feeling of drear,

that made my skin go pale. 

Most beguiling was this ivory stone,

as my eyes became transfixed.

Maybe it was the stark white bone,

that made me so affixed.

I soon realized the connection,

as my chest welled up inside.

Maybe it's my own reflection,

that this empty shell implied.

-b.m.

Delicacy

I'm not the leftovers

from dinner,

or the crumbs at the 

bottom of the bag. 

I'm a god damn delicacy,

meant to be savored by

someone with an

experienced palette.

Not someone who lives

off of freezer meals

 and calls it
       

        "fine dining."

-b.m.

Tongue Tied

All of the words I wanted to say

but didn't

dripped off my tongue 

like vodka 

with no chaser.

A bitter aftertaste.

A gateway to regret.

-b.m.

Mended

There are levels to brokenness. 

There are things that can be mended. 

A broken nail. 

A broken toy. 

A broken bone. 

There are things that can be replaced. 

A broken dish. 

A broken phone. 

A broken window.

And then there are the permanent ones. 

A broken trust. 

A broken relationship. 

A broken heart. 

Those are the ones that stay with us. The ones that, even when put behind us, always seem to be etched into our brains. They can't be mended or replaced. You may trust that person again, or get back together with your ex. Your heart may return to a steady rhythm. But there will always be that uneasy feeling in the back of your mind. That doubt. 

Will they betray my trust again? 

Does he love me the way he did before? 

Is my heart ready for this? 

The answer may never be clear.

Life is sometimes unforgiving. It's a fucking mess. Parts of it are easily broken, but there's strength in experiencing pain, hardship, and shitty times. Why do we use the phrase "break a leg" to tell someone good luck? Why do we love to tell that story about how we broke our arm in middle school falling out of a tree? Why do we empathize so much with movies whose main character had their heart broken and then lived to be a success story? 

There's power to it.

So go ahead. Break a nail. Smash a glass plate. Have your heart broken. Don't regret a single thing.

There are levels to brokenness. 

How broken are you?

.

.

.

Better yet,

How strong are you?

Drowning

I am floating in an endless sea,

Struggling to stay afloat,

Salt water filling my throat—

Oh god, how I wish to be free. 

The darkness soon consumes me,

Leaving emptiness in its wake,

A sadness I can't seem to shake—

Someone turn on the lights, I plea. 

It feels as though I've lost control,

Some may call it depressed,

This aching pain in my chest—

 Darkness is starting to take its toll. 

Sunny days are no longer my friend,

I converse with the thunder,

Rain eases me to slumber—

When will all of this bitterness end? 

How long this will last, I cannot say,

Only time can surely tell,

To break this awful spell—

An end to my drowning, I pray. 

-b.m.

Soul to Soul

Why hello there, Moths. 

Hello to another Monday. Mondays are that universally dreaded day, aren't they? They mark the end to the weekend, and the beginning to a long week until it's the weekend again! But maybe if we change our perception of this specific day of the week, we won't curse the moment our alarm clocks go off in the morning, making us get out of bed and taking care of that scary "r" word.....responsibilities *shudder* So how do we do that? We look at Mondays as a beginning. A fresh start. The week ahead can go however you will it to go. If you mold your mindset into a positive one, you can take control (that's right, control) of how things will turn out. You can be in control of how well that presentation goes, or how you do on your exam, or how well you stick to whatever goal you're striving towards. So instead of moaning and complaining that it's that dreaded Monday again, say to yourself, "it is a fresh start to the week, and I am going to make it a good one." Once you've nailed the week and your goals have been achieved, then you can put those party pants on and reward yourself with the pleasures of the weekend!

Or sweatpants and your favorite tub of Ben and Jerry's, like most of my weekends......

Now, onto the topic of the day. In my last post I talked about reincarnation and the idea of the soul continuing on into other lifetimes. I thought I would continue the discussion of souls and talk about soulmates. There are a lot of different religions that believe in the idea, including Hinduism, Buddhism, and Judaism. Each have their own beautiful interpretations.

Hindus believe there is a link between souls in a karmic way. Lehnu, in the Gujarati language, is the term they use for souls that we constantly cross paths with, who guide us towards a life that serves a higher purpose. They are destined to be connected to your life in some way or another.

Buddhists call the idea pratitya-samutpada, meaning all beings are "interrelated." Very similar to what I talked about in my last post, they believe that the soul can live many lifetimes, being reborn an infinite number of times, and along with that are our relationships. If a connection with another soul is powerful enough, then both of your souls will reconnect in the new lifetime. This is what causes the feeling of meeting someone for the first time and feeling as if you've known them forever.

Judaism has the Yiddish word bashert, meaning "bestowed." Your bashert is a person bestowed upon you as your destined partner. They also have the word hevruta, or "learning partner" similar to hinduism in that it is someone that guides you toward a purpose. Hevruta is someone that challenges you to be your best self, rather than someone that is a perfect match or "completes" you.

Many religions have many interpretations, but the common takeaway from all three of these is that they believe that we have soulmates. So, I know you're all dying to hear what I think about the subject. I absolutely do believe in the idea, but I want to note that the term soulmate, in my opinion, does not just mean a romantic partner. I think soulmates can take on many forms, including lifelong friendships. I think we can have more than one soulmate, such as a best friend that understands you in ways you don't even understand yourself, a friend that always knows what to say without saying anything, and a friend that you just instantly click with. And then there could be the romantic partner, someone you feel completely safe with, someone that constantly challenges you to be better, and someone that you knew you loved the first time you spoke (love at first sight is an ENTIRELY different subject for a different day). It's about connection. How your soul connects to my soul or his soul or hers. If you feel you have one of these soulmates, that destiny has brought you together with that person in some crazy way, do yourself a favor:

Never let go, moths. xo  

Rebirth

Happy Thursday Afternoon, Moths. 

Thursdays are such an underrated day, aren't they? But think about it: tomorrow is Friday, which means the weekend is practically here! Thursdays are the tipping point of the week, after Hump Day Wednesday and right before Thank Goodness It's Friday (or is that just the restaurant?). Well I'm designating Thursdays as Thankful For Thursday, yeah?

Anyway, the topic of discussion for today's post: reincarnation. I know, I know. My last discussion was on the idea of God and eternal life with Him after we die, but like I said in that post, I am very open-minded about a variety of different concepts pertaining to the after-life, and this thought of mine peaked my own interest, and so I will share with all of you lovely people for a food-for-thought (not sure where that expression came from, but if you want to send me food for my thoughts I wouldn't say no...).

SO, reincarnation! In particular, the opportunity of being reincarnated as another life. Many religions, including Buddhism and Hinduism, as well as historical figures such as Plato and Socrates, believe in this idea of a cyclical life. Now I am not saying whether I necessarily believe in this or not, but there's something about being reborn with a new opportunity that I want to discuss.

*side note: the thing about discussing religion is that we will never really know what's right or wrong until we die and experience it ourselves! That's why I do not deny nor scoff any one religion over another, because as humans, we are far too small-minded to possibly fathom the scope of something as grand as a higher being. 

Now, what I am getting at is our chance to make a difference in the world and spread love/joy/kindness/happiness/etc. with every life. Say, for example, in one life a person spreads their message through music as a musician, and in another life they spread it through movies as an actor/actress, and in another they are an activist standing up for a worthy cause, and maybe in one of those lives they are an aspiring poet/writer that has a blog to spread their message about topics like heartache and independence and mental health.....okay maybe that last one was me. The point is that maybe if we choose to lead a life of love and kindness, that our souls will continue on to inspire in another body as another life. After all, our human bodies are only temporary. Maybe if we do that, if our souls stay pure and good-hearted, we will be chosen to be reborn into life on earth to continue to make a difference. To change the lives of others along the way.

Notice there are a lot of "maybe's" in there...

Whether we are reincarnated, or sent to eternal life with God, or simply left to rest for eternity, it's not about what happens after we die. It's about what we do with our lives now, here, in the present. There are a lot of "what if's" when it comes to the after-life, but the during-life is what we can be certain of. We're all alive, but are we living. Are we looking past the material things and the petty things, and focusing on family, friends, relationships, happiness....the things we can hold onto forever. The things that we carry in our hearts, not our wallets or handbags. Focus on those things. Focus on being true to your soul.

Live a worthy life, moths. xoxo

Caress of Sleep

It's barely dawn as I begin to wake,
Caressed by the light of morn.
Outside sparrows claim their stake,
To return to slumber? I'm torn.

Sleep calls my name, a whisper at most,
her gentle touch tugs at my eyes.
Enveloping me, holding me close,
What wonderful dreams there lies.

The promise of morning fades away,
I leave the sparrows to their song.
The beckoning of sleep outweighs,
To her familiar warmth I belong.

-b.m.

Priority

For once I want to be someone's first choice:

The first person they tell when they have good news.

The first person they call when they have the blues. 

The first person they yearn for when their mind wakes.

The first person they think of when their heart aches.

The first person they trust with all of their secrets.

The first person they text when hopelessly sleepless. 

The first person they say they love when asked.

The first person they truly feel could be the last.

The first.

-b.m.

Pity

I almost feel sorry for 

little boys that feel like 

they need alcohol to 

get the courage just to 

text me at 3am. 

Honey, you could be 

drunk off of our 

love at 3am.

And he chose the bottle... 

Pity.

-b.m.

Fleeting

I wish I could freeze a moment in time. Bottle up its essence. Revisit it at times when I feel life is too much to handle. When life seems like a never ending storm cloud. That moment, bottled up, would be like the sunshine peaking through. A reminder that even on the darkest of days, there is still light hidden underneath, waiting patiently to illuminate the sky.

But life is not all sunshine and rainbows.

These moments are so fleeting. So temporary. Once they're gone, we can't get them back. We can take pictures or videos, sure. They will live on as memories that we can look back on. But we will never be able to truly relive that utter happiness we had in our hearts that day, or the gut-wrenching laughter that poured out of us so effortlessly and uncontrollably as if nothing else in the world mattered. People change. Life moves on. That's the way it is. And once we're at the end of the road, greeting death as a forgotten friend we've been meaning to catch up with, we'll reflect on those moments we held onto so dearly. How precious they were. How fleeting the were.

How fucking fleeting they are.

-b.m.

Deep Down

It feels as though I'm deep under water, swimming to the surface, but

never

truly

reaching

the

air

.

.

.

that's what depression feels like

-b.m.

Know Your Worth

He compares your beauty to the stars because he sees you as
one among millions.

You aren't a single star in space my dear,

You are the 

whole 

damn 

galaxy

And he hasn't even been to the moon.

-b.m.