The Climb

I've dug myself a monstrous hole,

Out of which I cannot climb.

The deeper I go, the darker my soul,

I fear I haven't much time. 

The light is moving further away,

As I reach my hands in vain.

I kick and scream for some delay,

But I'm met with only pain.

Void of hope, I fall to my knees,

And touch my hands to pray.

Desperate to put my mind at ease,

To whom, I know not, I say:

I've lived my life as best I could, kind to those I've crossed.

Saving animals as Irwin would, no matter the risk (or cost).

I hope when people think of me, they remember only the best.

If only but a smiling Bri, as bright as lemon zest.

My love for you will never fade, wherever this journey ends.

There's nothing I would ever trade, in place of family and friends.

The light above is all but gone, I've used up all my time.

Someday soon will come the dawn, and out of this hole I'll climb.

Out of this hole I'll climb.

(b.m.)

Mended

There are levels to brokenness. 

There are things that can be mended. 

A broken nail. 

A broken toy. 

A broken bone. 

There are things that can be replaced. 

A broken dish. 

A broken phone. 

A broken window.

And then there are the permanent ones. 

A broken trust. 

A broken relationship. 

A broken heart. 

Those are the ones that stay with us. The ones that, even when put behind us, always seem to be etched into our brains. They can't be mended or replaced. You may trust that person again, or get back together with your ex. Your heart may return to a steady rhythm. But there will always be that uneasy feeling in the back of your mind. That doubt. 

Will they betray my trust again? 

Does he love me the way he did before? 

Is my heart ready for this? 

The answer may never be clear.

Life is sometimes unforgiving. It's a fucking mess. Parts of it are easily broken, but there's strength in experiencing pain, hardship, and shitty times. Why do we use the phrase "break a leg" to tell someone good luck? Why do we love to tell that story about how we broke our arm in middle school falling out of a tree? Why do we empathize so much with movies whose main character had their heart broken and then lived to be a success story? 

There's power to it.

So go ahead. Break a nail. Smash a glass plate. Have your heart broken. Don't regret a single thing.

There are levels to brokenness. 

How broken are you?

.

.

.

Better yet,

How strong are you?

Thin Layer

Human life is such a fragile thing. A thin layer of skin lies between the outside world and our beating heart and breathing lungs and brittle bones. Filled with icy blue liquid that turns scarlet when it gets a taste of the stale air, as if in shock. Some veins are visible, pulsing with rhythmic elegance so poetic no pen nor paper on earth could condense it to mortal words.

Such a fragile thing.

A slip of a knife.
One too many pills.
A breath under water.
A broken heart.

Such a fragile thing.

Life.

And it hangs on such a thin thread. That threshold between life and death. Between breathing and being still. Between light and dark. Between being and having been. The craziest part? We have the power. The power to end it all. But we choose to continue on. The bravest thing anyone can possibly do. To get up every single morning and try. Try so damn hard. That's all we can really do, is try. Because there is no one on this earth that is winning at life. There is no peak existence. There is only making it to the end, when you've done all that you could do in a lifetime and have no more left to give to the world. That is when you have succeeded. So for now, just keep waking up in the morning. Keep making the most of what you can and striving for what it is you were put on this earth to do. Keep choosing life.

Keep living, moths. xoxo 

Brewing

Something is stirring from deep within;

My hands are shaking.

My body is quaking.

A storm is brewing beneath my skin.

Like a dormant volcano inactive for years;

The pressure is building.

The air is chilling.

Threatening to erupt are my deepest fears.

The explosion, by nature, is cruel and relentless;

The screams are shattering.

The tremors are battering.

The victim, my spirit, is weak and defenseless. 

The screaming hushes and the shaking stills;

My soul is hollowed.

Then darkness follows.

Hauntingly silent, my loneliness kills.

Back to dormancy, I quiet once more;

The smoke clears.

Dried are the tears.

How long it will last, I cannot be sure.

I cannot be sure.

-b.m.

twenty one years

twenty one years i have lived.

i have grown.

have felt.

twenty one years i have not found love.

i have not received love.

have not made love.

twenty one years my heart has waited.

my heart has ached.

has yearned.

twenty one years of being polite.

of being supportive.

being patient.

twenty one years of suppressed words.

of suppressed feelings.

suppressed desires.

twenty one years without your eyes on mine.

without your hands on mine.

your lips on mine.

.

.

what will the next twenty one bring?

-b.m.

State of Mind

Hi Lovely Moths.

Another restless night here (three a.m., to be precise) and restless nights merit new blog posts so I guess there are ups and downs to it? Either way, here I am...writing. And hopefully there you are....reading.

Shall we?

Do you ever have one of those days where everything seems to be going wrong? Like the WHOLE universe is plotting against you? Almost as if you're the character of a video game that some sadistic teenage boy is making jump off of a cliff over and over again? Maybe that last part is a little dramatic, but you get what I'm saying.

Well, today felt like one of those days. Things just didn't seem to be in my favor. A cocktail of college lectures, minimal sleep at night, and a crippling bout of anxiety does not a happy moth make. In fact, two of those things are part of why I'm writing right now, while the other is not going to be very enjoyable when I have to get up for it in about five hours......

What do I want to get across to you with all of this? Three magic words: state. of. mind. What do I mean by that? We have a lot more control over our lives than we think. Have you ever heard the expression, "like attracts like" ? If you live in a negative state of mind, you will attract and open a gateway for negatively perceived situations. For example, have you ever said something along the lines of "this is so typical of my life" or "these things always happen to me"? Be honest (I promise I won't tell anyone!) By saying these things, we are inviting the idea that what happens to us is out of our control, and that they will continue to happen to us whether we like it or not.

BUT.....it doesn't have to be that way! *gasp*

Do tell oh wise moth!

It is very simple: think positive thoughts. I know that sounds like the most cliche therapy mantra you've ever heard, but I'm serious. Peter Pan was onto something when he told Wendy and her brothers to "think happy thoughts" so that they could fly. Your positive thoughts might not lift you into the air physically, but emotionally it could take you all the way to the stars. By changing the chemistry in your brain and training it to adapt to positive thinking, you'll start to encounter situations with a better attitude rather than accepting their possible downsides.

Example: 

(so you know what the heck I'm talking about)

Say you just missed the bus and you now have to walk to where it is you want to go (granted it's not impossibly far away and you're not in a complete rush) or you have to wait for another bus.

Negative thinking: figures I would miss the bus, why am I never on time for things, this is just my luck, now it's going to take me forever to get there, there will never be a time that I don't miss the bus, I'm too tired to walk, this sucks.....

Did you read any of these in your head in a sullen voice or emphasis on words like fooor-eh-ver (reference to Sandlot anyone?)? These are what are known as "self-destructive" thoughts. Words like never or figures or sucks are often key words to negative thinking. There is an overall sense of self-blame and pessimism with this thinking.   

Positive thinking: I'll catch the next one, a little walking and fresh air might be good for me, now I'll have more time to listen to my music, it happens to the best of us.

Could you feel the difference in those ones? Rather than blaming yourself for missing the bus, these thoughts acknowledging that it happened but making light of it rather than treating it as a punishment from the universe.
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So moths, my challenge to you is to start off small in the direction of positive thinking. Try to train yourself to catch when you think negatively, acknowledge the situation you are in, and think of something positive that could come out of it. The more often you do this, the more likely you'll be to think that positive thought and nix the negatives entirely. I'll start: at the beginning of this post, I thought "there's no point in writing this, nobody is going to read it, I shouldn't even be up this late." After acknowledging those negative thoughts, I can flip them to be positive; everything I write may not be read by others, but I write them for me, if I weren't up this late then I wouldn't have these creative juices flowing!

Think on the bright side, moths. xoxo