Mended

There are levels to brokenness. 

There are things that can be mended. 

A broken nail. 

A broken toy. 

A broken bone. 

There are things that can be replaced. 

A broken dish. 

A broken phone. 

A broken window.

And then there are the permanent ones. 

A broken trust. 

A broken relationship. 

A broken heart. 

Those are the ones that stay with us. The ones that, even when put behind us, always seem to be etched into our brains. They can't be mended or replaced. You may trust that person again, or get back together with your ex. Your heart may return to a steady rhythm. But there will always be that uneasy feeling in the back of your mind. That doubt. 

Will they betray my trust again? 

Does he love me the way he did before? 

Is my heart ready for this? 

The answer may never be clear.

Life is sometimes unforgiving. It's a fucking mess. Parts of it are easily broken, but there's strength in experiencing pain, hardship, and shitty times. Why do we use the phrase "break a leg" to tell someone good luck? Why do we love to tell that story about how we broke our arm in middle school falling out of a tree? Why do we empathize so much with movies whose main character had their heart broken and then lived to be a success story? 

There's power to it.

So go ahead. Break a nail. Smash a glass plate. Have your heart broken. Don't regret a single thing.

There are levels to brokenness. 

How broken are you?

.

.

.

Better yet,

How strong are you?

Contrast

Hello My Lovely Moths.

It is a crisp fall night out and the breeze coming in from my open window onto my hot skin from my heated blanket is blissful. Late at night when the world is asleep and the air is still, I have my window wide open just listening to the gentle rustle of the wind kissing the tree's leaves, and the calm of it all is so radiant I could almost hear the stars singing to me. In that moment, nothing else in my life matters. There is no today nor tomorrow, there is only the present and I have absolutely no worries. It's almost so freeing that I forget everything that has ever caused me strife and the tiresome weight I've been trudging has been lifted off of my shoulders. But as much as I want to pause that safe moment and live in it forever, at some point my eye lids start to droop and I am caressed by sleep....

A n y w a y, 

Where was I going with this post tonight...? Ahh yes I remember. Tonight I want to talk about the idea of the balance between life and death, good and bad, light and dark, etc. A little background:

The other day I was riding the university bus to a class and feeling absolutely dreadful of how things have been going in my life with school, relationships, personal accomplishments, etc. Lately it has felt as though the shadows have been puppeteering my strings, drawing me into its darkness like a predator and its prey. As I was feeling all of this, lost in the music that was drowning out the world around me and staring blankly out of the window, I saw two pigeons fly off of the roof of a building: one was pure white while the other was strikingly dark. I know I know, you were seeing things, that sounds like something out of a movie, but I swear to you I saw it clear as day. A bird as white as fresh snow flying alongside another bird so much darker that it seemed as though it were the white bird's shadow. The moment was fleeting as the birds flew off past another building, and I looked around as if to see if anyone else had just seen what I had. Nobody seemed to be as astonished and jaw-droppingly mind blown as I was, and the passengers around me were either lost in whatever it was lighting up their phone screens, or desperately trying to secure their spot on the nightmaringly overcrowded Rutgers bus. It was the most striking thing I had ever seen, and my poetic mind immediately jumped to the conclusions that only I was meant to see those birds and that they were flying, feathered signs from someone up there answering my worries and doubts.

Bri, they were two random birds that happened to fly by while you were riding the bus. That hardly seems like a sign from God.

I can see how that observation would be more realistic, but I don't believe in coincidences. As I hinted to in the beginning, the idea of a  "balance" between light and dark, yadda yadda, was sparked by these two birds. You see, without one, we would not be able to appreciate the other. For instance, take the notion of life and death. If we did not experience death (say that we lived forever), then there would be no drive to live life to the fullest because we will have eternity to do the things we want to do. Like a project with no deadline--it would never be finished. On the flip side, there has to be and end to life for there to be the idea of death, without which we would not be able to appreciate the beauty of. Like a solution with no problem to give meaning to it. Seeing the white pigeon would not have been as significant without the presence of the darker one beside it to emphasize the contrast. In life, no matter how much turmoil you go through, no matter how much pain and suffering, you wouldn't be able to feel how truly effortless life is without it. Like that feeling when you have a stuffy nose and looking back at how much you take for granted the times when you could breath with your mouth closed and not have to blow your nose every five minutes sounding like a train horn... Ahh, the simple things in life. 

So yes, I think that the two birds were a sign to remember that with the storm will come the calm after. I was so humbled to be given this intimate message. As if I was chosen to see this because I would be able to appreciate its significance the most. Given to me so that I may relay it to others. I promise, no, I pinky promise--*gasp* that's the most powerful promise there is, that's how confident I am in this--that you're no exception to that rule. That as hopeless as the world may seem around you, it will get better. The beauty of it all is that you will come out of it so much stronger, and realize that because life threw you that curveball, you can learn how to not strike out the next time around (talk about a home-run, am I right?!).

Okay, is it just me or am I on fire with the analogies tonight??
.
.
.
Accept all that comes with life, moths. xoxo

     

State of Mind

Hi Lovely Moths.

Another restless night here (three a.m., to be precise) and restless nights merit new blog posts so I guess there are ups and downs to it? Either way, here I am...writing. And hopefully there you are....reading.

Shall we?

Do you ever have one of those days where everything seems to be going wrong? Like the WHOLE universe is plotting against you? Almost as if you're the character of a video game that some sadistic teenage boy is making jump off of a cliff over and over again? Maybe that last part is a little dramatic, but you get what I'm saying.

Well, today felt like one of those days. Things just didn't seem to be in my favor. A cocktail of college lectures, minimal sleep at night, and a crippling bout of anxiety does not a happy moth make. In fact, two of those things are part of why I'm writing right now, while the other is not going to be very enjoyable when I have to get up for it in about five hours......

What do I want to get across to you with all of this? Three magic words: state. of. mind. What do I mean by that? We have a lot more control over our lives than we think. Have you ever heard the expression, "like attracts like" ? If you live in a negative state of mind, you will attract and open a gateway for negatively perceived situations. For example, have you ever said something along the lines of "this is so typical of my life" or "these things always happen to me"? Be honest (I promise I won't tell anyone!) By saying these things, we are inviting the idea that what happens to us is out of our control, and that they will continue to happen to us whether we like it or not.

BUT.....it doesn't have to be that way! *gasp*

Do tell oh wise moth!

It is very simple: think positive thoughts. I know that sounds like the most cliche therapy mantra you've ever heard, but I'm serious. Peter Pan was onto something when he told Wendy and her brothers to "think happy thoughts" so that they could fly. Your positive thoughts might not lift you into the air physically, but emotionally it could take you all the way to the stars. By changing the chemistry in your brain and training it to adapt to positive thinking, you'll start to encounter situations with a better attitude rather than accepting their possible downsides.

Example: 

(so you know what the heck I'm talking about)

Say you just missed the bus and you now have to walk to where it is you want to go (granted it's not impossibly far away and you're not in a complete rush) or you have to wait for another bus.

Negative thinking: figures I would miss the bus, why am I never on time for things, this is just my luck, now it's going to take me forever to get there, there will never be a time that I don't miss the bus, I'm too tired to walk, this sucks.....

Did you read any of these in your head in a sullen voice or emphasis on words like fooor-eh-ver (reference to Sandlot anyone?)? These are what are known as "self-destructive" thoughts. Words like never or figures or sucks are often key words to negative thinking. There is an overall sense of self-blame and pessimism with this thinking.   

Positive thinking: I'll catch the next one, a little walking and fresh air might be good for me, now I'll have more time to listen to my music, it happens to the best of us.

Could you feel the difference in those ones? Rather than blaming yourself for missing the bus, these thoughts acknowledging that it happened but making light of it rather than treating it as a punishment from the universe.
.
.
.
.
So moths, my challenge to you is to start off small in the direction of positive thinking. Try to train yourself to catch when you think negatively, acknowledge the situation you are in, and think of something positive that could come out of it. The more often you do this, the more likely you'll be to think that positive thought and nix the negatives entirely. I'll start: at the beginning of this post, I thought "there's no point in writing this, nobody is going to read it, I shouldn't even be up this late." After acknowledging those negative thoughts, I can flip them to be positive; everything I write may not be read by others, but I write them for me, if I weren't up this late then I wouldn't have these creative juices flowing!

Think on the bright side, moths. xoxo

Unidentified

Who Am I?

The color of my hair?

The clothes that I wear?

The touching of my thighs?

The circles under my eyes?

The petiteness of my feet?

The food that I eat?

The dimple in my chin?

The paleness of my skin?

The grades of my tests?

The size of my chest?

The secrets that I hide?

The times that I've cried?

Who Am I?

(b.m.)

Blurred Lines

Andrew Salgado

Imperfectly Perfect

Happy First Day of March, Moths!

Wow I have really been slacking in the writing department lately! The thing with me writing poems and blog posts and such is that it isn't something that can be forced. Sometimes inspiration just comes to me and I can't stop typing, and other times I don't even know where to start. Rest assured, my creative juices are flowing today and thus: my new blog post!

Today I want to talk about imperfections...

*screams*

They're not as scary as they sound, I promise. I very briefly mentioned the idea of imperfections in my Sorry Not Sorry post a few weeks back, but I didn't go into much detail about them. Firstly, what do I mean by imperfections?
.
.
.
.
im·per·fec·tion
/ˌimpərˈfekSH(ə)n/

noun

1. a fault, blemish, or undesirable feature
   ex. scar, birthmark, freckles, wrinkles, cellulite, stretch marks, pimples, etc. 

definition courtesy of google
.
.
.
.
Now that we have that squared away, where am I getting at?

*What I am about to say may be shocking to some, reader discretion advised*

Ready? Imperfections are......beautiful! Yeah, I said it. And boy do I believe it to my core. I'll tell you why: there is no such thing as "perfect." Seriously, it's true. All of those Instagram models and celebrities that you see through filters and makeup are all made up of imperfections. They're humans too, they get pimples and pass gas like all of us. These imperfections make us human. They tell a story that only collects with age. How cool are birthmarks?? Not everyone has one but for those that do, they are completely unique to that person and no one else. It's almost like being a knight donned with a special medal they have to wear for the rest of their lives (that's right, if you have a birthmark you're now officially a knight). How about wrinkles? I know they've come up with everything but the kitchen sink as far as remedies for "anti-aging" against wrinkles, but what makes them so cool is that they're remnants of every movement you have ever made since being born. Those lines on each side of your lips? You got those from every time you have ever smiled. They're the mark of happiness in your life. The wrinkles on your forehead? They were made every time you were ever surprised by something and it made you raise your eyebrows. And scars? They're probably the coolest of them all. Each one undoubtedly has some interesting story to go along with it, like that one time in middle school when you climbed a tree and fell out of it, so you got this sick little scar on your back (a.k.a my mom) or that time you wrestled a crocodile in the amazon and lived to tell the tale...(okay, that one is a little farfetched, but you get the point). For all of the mothers reading, think about those stretch marks on your stomach that you absolutely dread. Do you remember how you got them? You carried a human being inside of you for nine months, that's how. You did the hardest thing anybody can do on this planet. Those stretch marks are proof of that feat, and you should be wearing them with pride for what you have accomplished. Don't even get me started on tattoos. These are chosen imperfections, or pieces of art as I see them. Some are words, some are giant tigers, but regardless they're now a part of you and your story.

Personally, I have every single "imperfection" that I have included in this post. Some I may dislike more than others, but as I said before, they are a part of me. They make me who I am. I have a "beauty mark" freckle on my left cheek that has been there since I was little, and I've come to love it because it makes me unique. I have four tattoos (to my father's dismay), a birthmark on my left wrist, a butt chin that I get from my mom, and countless others that I've acquired over my twenty years of life. I wouldn't change a single thing.

So, I challenge you to make a list of all of the "imperfections" you see. Write down how you got them or how it makes you unique or who in your family you may have gotten it from. Do this without judgement of yourself. Look at these quirks like an outsider looking in, and you have to explain it to them. What inspired you to get that tattoo? Is it sentimental or was it your 21st birthday and you had one too many drinks? No matter what it is, embrace it and be kind to yourself.

Love your imperfections, moths. xoxo

Take a second to reflect on the day you've had
and use it as a learning experience for
the days ahead.
Love the person that is you. 

Jealousy is an ugly trait.
Love those around you, and above all,
love yourself.

Sorry Not Sorry

Happy Sunday Moths!

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend. I want to talk about the word "sorry" today. We all know those people that say sorry about e v e r y t h i n g. Somebody runs into them..."sorry." They sneeze during class..."sorry." They even say it to their dog if they accidentally step on them..."sorry."

(okay, that last one was about me..)

Whether you say it a lot yourself, or you know someone that does, do you realize how quickly you say--or the person you know says--it to other people? I know for me, I just blurt it out habitually, the same way people say "bless you" when someone sneezes. What I want to stress is how easily it is to say it to other people: why don't we ever say it to ourselves? 

Huh??

I know, that sounds crazy, why would we say sorry to ourself? We don't realize how much pressure we put onto ourselves in every day life. In today's world, there are so many objects/people screaming in our ears--through social media, television, and even friends/family--to do things a certain way: join this gym and get your "summer" body; use this toothpaste and get a whiter smile; wear this to look more attractive. All of these swim around in the back of our minds without us realizing because they are being imprinted on us, whether we acknowledge them or not. In turn, we begin to say critical things to ourselves as a reflection of what we hear every day: why did you eat that, you're going to gain weight; I didn't work out today, I hate myself; I wish my clothes/hair/smile/body looked like that; I need to do better, be better. These thoughts pile up and Up and UP until they flood the brain, leaving no air for positivity. Expectations conflicting with reality only creates pain and disappointment (take it from me).  You simply cannot be someone you are not, and "hoping" or "wishing" gets you nowhere, but you can set obtainable goals and work towards them. This is your life and you have control of it, no matter how uncontrollable it may feel at times. Don't be jealous of others, or feel belittled by them, or let them dictate how you should look/act/live. It's just a waste of time. 

So, back to the word "sorry." 

Leave the "sorry" 's for the times you really screw up something, or actually hurt someone, and take it out of your every day list of vocabulary. Instead of saying it to others, say it to yourself whenever a negative thought pops up in your head. You are going to feel so silly, but stand in front of the mirror, look yourself in the eyes*, and say--either in your head, or out loud if you want to feel extra crazy--I'm sorry. This is going to feel weird at first, but we need to get as comfortable with saying it to ourselves as we are saying it to other people. It's okay to laugh or blush, but repeat it several times--I'm sorry I said those hurtful things about myself; I'm sorry I wished I was someone else; I'm sorry I didn't treat you (your body) with kindness. You have to love yourself, I cannot say this enough. Don't rely on an external source to tell you you're beautiful or special or worth it. Tell yourself. Be independent. Because at the end of the day it's just you inside of that head of yours, telling you how you feel about yourself. 

*a small note: staring into your own eyes is one of the most vulnerable, personal things you can do. It sounds stupid, but have you ever actually looked at yourself in the mirror? Not at all of the "imperfections" of your body, but you as a whole? If you're like me, you look into the mirror and see the stretch marks and jiggly parts and cellulite. Focusing on these things are an absolute waste of time because they don't show the soul inside. I did this little exercise, staring into my own eyes, for a couple of minutes the other day and started crying because of how exposed it made me feel. If you don't believe me, try it for yourself.

Here's my challenge to you for the week ahead:

1. Catch yourself when you say "sorry" to someone and mentally take note of why you said it

2. If it wasn't for something you were seriously sorry for, STOP SAYING IT

3. Throughout the week, jot down any negative/hurtful thoughts you say to yourself

4. At the end of the week, look yourself in the mirror and say "sorry I thought...(step 3 notes)"

5. Set aside some "me" time in your busy schedule, where you won't be interrupted, and look into your own eyes in the mirror. Let yourself in and let go of the bad thoughts. 

Fly freely, moths. xoxo

Simply Pure

Hello moths!

I took this picture about two months back, and every time I look at it, I relive the emotions I felt when first encountered it. I know, that sounds silly but I have this deep connection with nature, and I believe that this leaf is a metaphor for something really special. Now I know what you're thinking:

It's a dead leaf Bri...

Just take a closer look, what do you see?

.

.

.

.

. 

Still don't see it? (fine, I'll tell you) 

Directly in the center is a perfectly shaped heart--see it now?? How adorable is that? I'm a pretty vigilant person, so as I'm walking to class all of a sudden this little dead leaf stopped me *dead* in my tracks and made me back up to take a closer look. I was so in awe of this perfect heart being in the middle of this leaf on the sidewalk. Now I know plants/leaves/dead leaves don't have feelings (I'm not that crazy) but it almost gives you a sense of how precious life is. We, as humans, coexist with so many other things on this planet, from animals to trees to the smallest flowers. Together we are whole. One day, we will all die (a simple fact of life) because, well, that's the circle of life. Organisms are born, they live, and they return back to the earth in death. It's actually a really beautiful concept the way we once again become a part of that which we originated. That's another thing to point out: our culture in America is one that absolutely fears death and generally avoids discussing it, from the way we bury the dead in coffins that are hidden underground, to the way the media never shows funerals or related images. In the bible (not getting too religious here) bodies of the dead were exhibited on open tables where loved ones and those around them could view the deceased with respect and clarity. It wasn't a scary or disgusting thing, it was a part of the culture of that time because death was universally accepted (that, and the bible ensured those who repented their sins and lived an honest life had no reason to fear dying). Whether you are a religious person or not, it is a beautiful concept. Death is such a feared thing today that we sometimes divert our attention away from life and focus on what will happen once it comes to an end. Live the best life you can and take the most out of it: if this one life is all we get, then you better be damn sure you live it to the fullest. Otherwise, be a kind and compassionate human being and you will be rewarded for it in the end, simple as that. It's a little something to think about. 

Anyway, the thing I was getting at with the leaf is that yes, it is a dead leaf, but even in death it has this little beautiful image within it--in the shape of a heart. This dead leaf had the power to make me, a human being, stop and take a second look at it. How amazing is that? I think it's important to really connect to our surroundings and have love and respect for every single element that exists around us. We are often times a selfish species, believing we are at the top of this "pyramid," but simply being able to reason or converse does not make us pure. A human woman nursing her newborn baby is no more pure than a gorilla doing the same for hers. We are simply a reflection of the environment around us (one of which we have manipulated and exploited, leading to the misdirection of human nature). Who is to say we are the highest power? Nature is constantly retaliating, showing her supernatural powers in the form of hurricanes or tornadoes, things that are uncontrollable and exposes the vulnerability of the human condition. The bottom line is that this dead leaf represents the purity of nature. Nature does not think ill of others, does not judge, does not seek material things: it simply is. What's more beautiful than that (besides you, of course..)?

Let's aspire to be as pure as the nature that surrounds us: that is my challenge to you. 

Happy living, moths. xoxo

Concrete Message

Even the earth beneath our feet has something to offer us.
We just have to open our eyes to it.