Human life is such a fragile thing. A thin layer of skin lies between the outside world and our beating heart and breathing lungs and brittle bones. Filled with icy blue liquid that turns scarlet when it gets a taste of the stale air, as if in shock. Some veins are visible, pulsing with rhythmic elegance so poetic no pen nor paper on earth could condense it to mortal words.
Such a fragile thing.
A slip of a knife.
One too many pills.
A breath under water.
A broken heart.
Such a fragile thing.
Life.
And it hangs on such a thin thread. That threshold between life and death. Between breathing and being still. Between light and dark. Between being and having been. The craziest part? We have the power. The power to end it all. But we choose to continue on. The bravest thing anyone can possibly do. To get up every single morning and try. Try so damn hard. That's all we can really do, is try. Because there is no one on this earth that is winning at life. There is no peak existence. There is only making it to the end, when you've done all that you could do in a lifetime and have no more left to give to the world. That is when you have succeeded. So for now, just keep waking up in the morning. Keep making the most of what you can and striving for what it is you were put on this earth to do. Keep choosing life.
Keep living, moths. xoxo
Showing posts with label late night thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label late night thoughts. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 8, 2017
Tuesday, November 7, 2017
twenty one years
twenty one years i have lived.
i have grown.
have felt.
twenty one years i have not found love.
i have not received love.
have not made love.
twenty one years my heart has waited.
my heart has ached.
has yearned.
twenty one years of being polite.
of being supportive.
being patient.
twenty one years of suppressed words.
of suppressed feelings.
suppressed desires.
twenty one years without your eyes on mine.
without your hands on mine.
your lips on mine.
.
.
what will the next twenty one bring?
-b.m.
Saturday, September 2, 2017
Meaning of Life
Welcome to September, Moths!
It has been one long heck of a summer. I wish I could say it was filled with memorable nights and drinking until the sun came up, but unfortunately the real world had me tied down to work and school. Which I'm not necessarily complaining about because I saved up money to live comfortably while I'm away at college for the next couple of months, so there are trade-offs.
Now I know you're all thinking, are you going to tell us which school you go to, or what?? Since you begged, I'll share! I will be a senior this year at Rutgers University in New Brunswick! I transferred here last year and have been so grateful for the house I was accepted into. This house, called Helyar House, is unlike any other living arrangement out there. It is a co-op/coed, fifty year establishment filled with long-lasting traditions and amazing influential people. It really is a humbling experience to work alongside 39 other people to keep a house running effectively and-for the most part-smoothly.
Part of the uniqueness of this house is that the students who live within it basically have full control with a strong sense of independence. We have an E-board consisting of a president, vice president, food coordinators, historians (one of them being me), etc. The members of this "E-board" moved in a couple of days early to acclimate to the house for the upcoming semester, consisting of some training sessions discussing things like diversity, constructive personality exercises, stress/time management, etc. At the end of one of these sessions, our residence counselor, Neha, left us this food-for-thought before heading to bed:
What are three or four things you want to be remembered for when you die?
.
.
.
.
That escalated quickly, huh?
The context behind this is that we were discussing things about each other, such as things we feel we are oppressed by, memories we had about issues with gender/race/confrontation in the past, and things alike. The goal of all of this was to feel a deeper connection with the other members of our E-board, as well as feeling comfortable enough to share these things that may be crouching in the back of our minds. It really hit me, and as I laid in bed that night, I couldn't get my mind off of the thought. Sometimes we are sidetracked by all of the clutter in our lives. Clutter can be stress at work, worrying about if you look "too fat" in this outfit or whether or not we're having a bad hair day or worrying about posting this picture rather than the other, etc. We hang on so closely to these minuscule issues that when we are asked to take a step back from it all, it seems so utterly ridiculous that we wasted any time worrying about such things in the first place.
And by we I mean I, naturally.
So what are my three or four things? I'm going to share them with all of you lovely people:
It has been one long heck of a summer. I wish I could say it was filled with memorable nights and drinking until the sun came up, but unfortunately the real world had me tied down to work and school. Which I'm not necessarily complaining about because I saved up money to live comfortably while I'm away at college for the next couple of months, so there are trade-offs.
Now I know you're all thinking, are you going to tell us which school you go to, or what?? Since you begged, I'll share! I will be a senior this year at Rutgers University in New Brunswick! I transferred here last year and have been so grateful for the house I was accepted into. This house, called Helyar House, is unlike any other living arrangement out there. It is a co-op/coed, fifty year establishment filled with long-lasting traditions and amazing influential people. It really is a humbling experience to work alongside 39 other people to keep a house running effectively and-for the most part-smoothly.
Part of the uniqueness of this house is that the students who live within it basically have full control with a strong sense of independence. We have an E-board consisting of a president, vice president, food coordinators, historians (one of them being me), etc. The members of this "E-board" moved in a couple of days early to acclimate to the house for the upcoming semester, consisting of some training sessions discussing things like diversity, constructive personality exercises, stress/time management, etc. At the end of one of these sessions, our residence counselor, Neha, left us this food-for-thought before heading to bed:
What are three or four things you want to be remembered for when you die?
.
.
.
.
That escalated quickly, huh?
The context behind this is that we were discussing things about each other, such as things we feel we are oppressed by, memories we had about issues with gender/race/confrontation in the past, and things alike. The goal of all of this was to feel a deeper connection with the other members of our E-board, as well as feeling comfortable enough to share these things that may be crouching in the back of our minds. It really hit me, and as I laid in bed that night, I couldn't get my mind off of the thought. Sometimes we are sidetracked by all of the clutter in our lives. Clutter can be stress at work, worrying about if you look "too fat" in this outfit or whether or not we're having a bad hair day or worrying about posting this picture rather than the other, etc. We hang on so closely to these minuscule issues that when we are asked to take a step back from it all, it seems so utterly ridiculous that we wasted any time worrying about such things in the first place.
And by we I mean I, naturally.
So what are my three or four things? I'm going to share them with all of you lovely people:
- I want to be remembered for my smile and the way it lights up the darkest of rooms (as I have been so graciously told)
- I want to be remembered for having a kind and compassionate nature towards others
- I want to be remembered for my unwavering passion for wildlife, and things alike
- I want to be remembered for my infectious, side-hurts-so-bad, only-stopping-to-gasp-for-air, kind of laugh
- And above all, I want to be remembered for all of the happiness I've brought into other people's lives
Let me be clear: I'm planning on my death being a veeeeeeeeeeeeery long time from now, and this is just an exercise to gain a perspective on life.
Neha also said that if there ever comes a time in our lives where we are at a crossroads, or are going through a difficult situation in which life seems impossibly overwhelming, that we ought to utilize and retouch on these in order to reorientate our souls with our meaning of life. In other words, to take a step back from the magnifying glass we look through every day. No one is going to remember that huge pimple you had during the tenth grade that you ogled over all day, or that one time your belly rolls showed when your crop top was a little too cropped. None of these things will matter once we've departed from this physical world. It's how you chose to live your life, and how you treated people along the way, that matters.
I urge anyone reading this to take a few minutes to yourself in a quiet and secluded place to think about, and write down, what it is you wish to be remembered by when you die. Don't treat this as a morbid exercise, but rather your own guide from which to touch base with your core/soul. Write them down and store them somewhere you can access, somewhere it can remembered when you need it the most. These are for you and no one else, so really dig deep.
What are you living for, moths? xoxo
Sunday, July 16, 2017
Aware
Life is but a reflection of,
The Earth, the Sea,
And the Stars above--
The Earth teaches many a thing,
What wisdom its soils do bring.
From it, sprouts plants and trees,
Whose leaves dance in the breeze.
On it supports buildings and homes,
In it conceals diamonds and bones.
It is never judging of those it meets,
To everyone it graciously greets.
Within its lips, truth there lies,
Of the day light, and night skies.
Secrets it holds for those who tell,
For above it heaven,
And beneath it hell.
Always to it does life return,
From Earth, there is much to learn.
As a balance to Earth's benevolence,
There lives the Sea's bold arrogance.
Thrashing and swaying with gust all day,
To the Earth, it has much to say.
Never does it withhold a confession,
But done so with utmost discretion.
Although the surface looks of steel,
Beneath it flourishes a great deal.
In the shallows communities thrive,
Stimulating the waters to feel alive.
The dark abyss is a different being,
Hiding demons, within it screaming.
Many are there secrets untold,
In the Sea a mystery does hold.
Keeping watch over the sullen Sea,
Are creatures unlike you and me.
They fill the sky with sultry lights,
And take away the lonely nights.
But the Stars are not what they seem,
Despite their envied lustrous gleam.
Behind the light is a shadow of death,
A projection of beauty is all that's left.
This reality is their burden to bear,
For your sadness they wish to spare.
It's no wonder they are looked upon,
And their shooting light wished on.
From the Stars I've come to learn,
Even in death does passion burn.
So you see, that all around,
Are inspirations,
To be found.
-b.m.
The Earth, the Sea,
And the Stars above--
The Earth teaches many a thing,
What wisdom its soils do bring.
From it, sprouts plants and trees,
Whose leaves dance in the breeze.
On it supports buildings and homes,
In it conceals diamonds and bones.
It is never judging of those it meets,
To everyone it graciously greets.
Within its lips, truth there lies,
Of the day light, and night skies.
Secrets it holds for those who tell,
For above it heaven,
And beneath it hell.
Always to it does life return,
From Earth, there is much to learn.
As a balance to Earth's benevolence,
There lives the Sea's bold arrogance.
Thrashing and swaying with gust all day,
To the Earth, it has much to say.
Never does it withhold a confession,
But done so with utmost discretion.
Although the surface looks of steel,
Beneath it flourishes a great deal.
In the shallows communities thrive,
Stimulating the waters to feel alive.
The dark abyss is a different being,
Hiding demons, within it screaming.
Many are there secrets untold,
In the Sea a mystery does hold.
Keeping watch over the sullen Sea,
Are creatures unlike you and me.
They fill the sky with sultry lights,
And take away the lonely nights.
But the Stars are not what they seem,
Despite their envied lustrous gleam.
Behind the light is a shadow of death,
A projection of beauty is all that's left.
This reality is their burden to bear,
For your sadness they wish to spare.
It's no wonder they are looked upon,
And their shooting light wished on.
From the Stars I've come to learn,
Even in death does passion burn.
So you see, that all around,
Are inspirations,
To be found.
-b.m.
Thursday, March 2, 2017
Bitter
at some point in your life,
somebody will come and
promise you such
pretty things
and whisper sweet words
in your ear,
so sweet you'll salivate at
the sound of it.
you'll crave it.
your hunger will drive you
towards it, and you'll be
mesmerized beyond reason.
little do you know,
the aftertaste is
bitter.
he was bitter.
he promised me a love he never
had to give.
a future he never intended on
having
with me.
spoke empty words with selfish
intentions.
he wanted my body and not my
heart,
i was blinded by his compliments
and attention.
i soaked it in like sunlight to a flower
after a long, cold winter.
one day, though, i woke up from my
filtered reality.
i saw how he only texted me after
midnight.
how he never asked me how
my day was.
how he called me sexy, but not
beautiful.
the realization that he would never
leave his girlfriend
for me.
how silly of me.
i was made the side piece.
the project he would revisit
time and again.
the toy he could play with
without fear of
causing damage.
how had i let it come to this.
how had i let this boy,
not a man,
play me like one of his
video games.
take advantage of my eagerness
for love
or the softness of
my heart.
i am a work of art. a masterpiece.
not something to be handled
by someone with greasy fingers
and inexperience.
i am a fucking jewel,
among the rarest of stones
encased in dirt but my god
do i shine on the inside.
i am not a puzzle that can be
solved in a day.
i am full of clues that first need
to be uncovered and then
pieced together
in order to see the
complete picture.
and he only cared for the surface.
-b.m.
Sunday, February 5, 2017
Bedtime Bliss
Good evening, Moths!
Hope everyone had a lovely Saturday! Tomorrow is Super Bowl Sunday, which means good company and delicious food. But let's focus on the here and now and leave tomorrow where it belongs: in the future. Maybe you're a college student reading this from the comfort of your dorm room, or a mom of three unwinding from a busy day, finally getting some time to yourself. No matter where you are reading this from, or what your situation is at the moment, I think we can all agree that night time is a magical time. It's a time to reflect on everything that has happened that day without having to expend anymore energy, and a time to feed your exhaustion with delicious sleep. It's a special intermediate zone between the sweet ending of one day and the fresh beginning of another. Sleep can do wonders for the body--when you get enough of it--and it is filled with that magical (I know, I said it again!) thing called dreams. Dreams are our subconscious playing out scenes from deep within our mind where anything is possible, like a film being projected directly from our imagination. Some people can recall the most specific details from their dreams (like my mom), while others lose the memory of them as soon as their eyes open and their senses are awoken (like me). Either way, we're all dreamers. We all dream of something while we sleep, whether we remember it or not.
My eyelids are drooping just typing this post..
.
.
.
.
.
One of the greatest feelings in the world is waking up in the early morning hours thinking it's around the time you need to be awake, only to find that it's three in the morning and you have several hours until your alarm will ring. I am a very restless sleeper (probably due to all of the technology I look at right before going to sleep..) and almost every night when I inevitably wake up, I check the time--I somehow always remember that time the following morning--and it's such a scrumptious feeling knowing that I can drift right back into blissful sleep. Sleep itself is such a weird thing. Our body goes into a stasis of sorts, where our breathing is low and our muscles are completely relaxed, not needed for the coming hours. Complete darkness. Time is such an interesting component of sleep because we have absolutely no concept of it when unconscious. Similar to getting anesthetized for surgery: you count backwards from ten for as long as you can hold on, and in a blink you are awake and the surgery is over with zero recollection, in some cases of the hours it took for them to complete it. While our brain is still active, our senses are muted and the world is silenced. That statement is what makes up the difficult debate over a patient in a coma. While the physical body may be immobile, the mind still has the ability to be conscious. Can they hear someone that is speaking to them and comprehend it, but simply be unable to respond? That's an interesting discussion question, but let's leave that for another post.
Let's return to the present moment. Are your eyelids feeling heavy? Is your body sunken into the mattress beneath you? Let go. Let go of all of the stress, all of the thoughts, all of the activity that today brought. All that happened today belongs in the past and cannot be changed, no matter how much you think about it. Let it live in the past while you allow your body and mind to rejuvenate itself for the new day ahead. Let every single muscle in your body let go of any tension. What I like to do is listen to a guided mediation (for example: Guided Sleep Meditation) which I find to be highly successful in helping me to focus on falling asleep and quieting the activity of my mind. What I love about the one I attached a link to, besides his voice, is that he talks you through every muscle--from your toes all the way up to your scalp--so you can identify what parts of your body are holding the most tension, and ease them to relaxation. Everyone has their own experience when meditating, but I get this warm, almost tingly sensation that moves up through my body like a wave of comfort that simply washes over me, leaving me numb and completely at ease. He counts down from ten towards the end and I almost always fall asleep before reaching one (which I know because the next morning I can't, for the life of me, recollect what number he got to before I fell asleep). If you've never listened to a guided meditation before, I highly recommend you try implementing one into your daily regimen. The app Buddhify is my #1 favorite guided mediation supplement and it is perfect for beginners! It may feel silly at first listening to one, but they are so spiritually healing and buddhify is broken up into different categories so you can listen to one no matter what you are doing at that moment--anywhere from eating, trouble falling asleep, difficult emotions, or even walking in nature!
That's all I have for tonight, I really hope you try guided mediation for yourself if you've never done so before, especially the one I attached a link for in this post. It's one of those things that is tailored to you, and is completely different from one individual to the next. There's no right or wrong way of doing it. Some people love it, some simply don't have the patience for it, but you can train your mind by listening to them, similar to how you train your muscles by lifting weights. If you decide to try it for the first time, comment on here and share your experience! I would love to hear how it went and how you feel about it.
***It's that magical time!!***
.
.
.
Well, go on.
.
.
.
Let go
.
.
.
Relax
.
.
.
Dream
.
.
.
Sweet dreams, Moths. xoxo
My eyelids are drooping just typing this post..
.
.
.
.
.
One of the greatest feelings in the world is waking up in the early morning hours thinking it's around the time you need to be awake, only to find that it's three in the morning and you have several hours until your alarm will ring. I am a very restless sleeper (probably due to all of the technology I look at right before going to sleep..) and almost every night when I inevitably wake up, I check the time--I somehow always remember that time the following morning--and it's such a scrumptious feeling knowing that I can drift right back into blissful sleep. Sleep itself is such a weird thing. Our body goes into a stasis of sorts, where our breathing is low and our muscles are completely relaxed, not needed for the coming hours. Complete darkness. Time is such an interesting component of sleep because we have absolutely no concept of it when unconscious. Similar to getting anesthetized for surgery: you count backwards from ten for as long as you can hold on, and in a blink you are awake and the surgery is over with zero recollection, in some cases of the hours it took for them to complete it. While our brain is still active, our senses are muted and the world is silenced. That statement is what makes up the difficult debate over a patient in a coma. While the physical body may be immobile, the mind still has the ability to be conscious. Can they hear someone that is speaking to them and comprehend it, but simply be unable to respond? That's an interesting discussion question, but let's leave that for another post.
Let's return to the present moment. Are your eyelids feeling heavy? Is your body sunken into the mattress beneath you? Let go. Let go of all of the stress, all of the thoughts, all of the activity that today brought. All that happened today belongs in the past and cannot be changed, no matter how much you think about it. Let it live in the past while you allow your body and mind to rejuvenate itself for the new day ahead. Let every single muscle in your body let go of any tension. What I like to do is listen to a guided mediation (for example: Guided Sleep Meditation) which I find to be highly successful in helping me to focus on falling asleep and quieting the activity of my mind. What I love about the one I attached a link to, besides his voice, is that he talks you through every muscle--from your toes all the way up to your scalp--so you can identify what parts of your body are holding the most tension, and ease them to relaxation. Everyone has their own experience when meditating, but I get this warm, almost tingly sensation that moves up through my body like a wave of comfort that simply washes over me, leaving me numb and completely at ease. He counts down from ten towards the end and I almost always fall asleep before reaching one (which I know because the next morning I can't, for the life of me, recollect what number he got to before I fell asleep). If you've never listened to a guided meditation before, I highly recommend you try implementing one into your daily regimen. The app Buddhify is my #1 favorite guided mediation supplement and it is perfect for beginners! It may feel silly at first listening to one, but they are so spiritually healing and buddhify is broken up into different categories so you can listen to one no matter what you are doing at that moment--anywhere from eating, trouble falling asleep, difficult emotions, or even walking in nature!
That's all I have for tonight, I really hope you try guided mediation for yourself if you've never done so before, especially the one I attached a link for in this post. It's one of those things that is tailored to you, and is completely different from one individual to the next. There's no right or wrong way of doing it. Some people love it, some simply don't have the patience for it, but you can train your mind by listening to them, similar to how you train your muscles by lifting weights. If you decide to try it for the first time, comment on here and share your experience! I would love to hear how it went and how you feel about it.
***It's that magical time!!***
.
.
.
Well, go on.
.
.
.
Let go
.
.
.
Relax
.
.
.
Dream
.
.
.
Sweet dreams, Moths. xoxo
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